Absent :(

Lots of changes in my life....will be back soon to explain. Some good, some bad and some scary as hell! But the biggest news is we are moving from little ole Arkansas to big ole family in just 15 days...crazy right! I'll be back soon with more... :)

Wow A Week Already

Well over a week.....geez what a week it has been! Sorry for the neglect....It's been a bad week....I took an extended vacay...ie...ran away from my family for the weekend. Now I'm back, and going to see my psych tomorrow and if all doesn't go as planned then I will probably be checking myself into the local looney bin.....and I wonder, how the HELL did my life end up like this?!?!?! I have so much to live for....I need help, but taking that first step is absolutely terrifying. I hope I can do it and that I can finally move on and be "normal" whatever the hell that means..............

The ONE

As I think I've mentioned before, I'm not new to blogging but am new to blogging about one thing in particular. I took an unexpected hiatus from my first blog and when I decided to log in one day and see what was going on with my other blogger mommies and re-read what I had written I was shocked to see that I had been neglecting my poor blog for over a year! As I sat there and read my entire blog from the very first post THIS post, http://jaimespace.blogspot.com/2010/02/like-waves-in-ocean.html , is THE post that suck out to me the most. THAT was the post, along with all the other highs and lows I wrote about in my blog that made me realize that what was going on with me wasn't JUST depression. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed at 16 and looking back over the past events I think I've been misdiagnosed for years.

I really wonder how my life would be different had I had a correct diagnosis earlier...but it is what it is I guess.

On another note, the mood swings were, well pardon the pun, but in full swing today. One second I was on top of the world enjoying the beautiful weather and watching my kids play outside and the next I was giving the kids a bath watching them play and laugh and giggle and wonder WHY I wasn't enjoying THIS wonderful moment more. WHAT is wrong with me? I'm so lucky to have my children and I WANT to enjoy them like normal mothers do but when I start slipping I start slipping fast...NOT enjoying that particular moment makes me doubt why I'm even a mother...can I do this? What did they do to deserve a bipolar mother that is incapable of enjoying simple happy fun moments with them. The guilt, the sadness.....its all part of the manic madness I call life. Well damnit, sometimes, life sucks!

Assessment Day

So I had my assessment today at a local clinic. I made the appointment prior to actually having the diagnosis so it was basically an assessment to see if I was crazy enough to be inpatient or outpatient. When I went in with an actual diagnosis that changed part of the assessment and I just got asked a lot of questions. How do you feel when you have your highs, how low do you feel during your lows? So I explained that at one point I was so bad that I locked myself 12 month old in my room so I didn't have to get out of bed. By locked in, I pushed my dresser in front of the door so he couldn't escape and brought toys in for him and kept cartoons on the tv...he still ate, still had his diaper changed, and still was taken care of just from the comfort of my bed! Well appearantly the nurse I spoke with didn't hear the part where I locked the child in there WITH me...she thought I just locked my kid in a room so I didn't have to deal with him! OMG now that is crazy for sure! So when the actual assessor came in she was asking me all these questions about how long did I lock him in the room for at a time and how long did it go on....I was like "WHOA HELLO PEOPLE, I DID NOT LOCK MY BABY IN A ROOM BY HIMSELF," (and like I would have really admitted it I did....I didn't but still)...I WAS IN THERE WITH HIM...DUH! I know there are some crazy people out there that probably have locked there kids in a room but whooooa mama that ain't me! Supossed to start some kind of therapy in the next few weeks but the next appt with their psych. isn't until JUNE...ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? I was told my best bet would to be to drive almost an hour away and see if I could see somewhere there sooner. Ridiculous, but if I can't find anybody here w/in the next month I'm going to have to bite the bullet and make the drive. Anyways funny story of the day, I lock my kids in bedrooms!!!! I'll be back later with some really great new stuff I've found on being bipolar, one being a wonderful blog with a TON of information!!!!

New Meds

And dog gone it if they aren't they putting me on my azz! Iv'e heard the seroquel not only promptly puts you on your ass at night but keeps you there during the day for awhile while your body adjusts to it. About two weeks...which I can deal with, but the goal is to get me up to 300mg a DAY....might as well just lift the mattress up and sandwich me between them cause if 50mg does THIS I don't want to imagine what SIX times that will do....SCARY!I can barely type because I'm seeing about 4 of every letter, thank you again new meds, if there r ne typos in here I apologize in advance, but I am going to go crash now! Happy Late St. Patty's Day Y'all!

It's Official

Went to the doctor today and just as I suspected I am bipolar. She put me on Seroquel so we'll see how that goes! I also got taken off of topamax because obviously it wasn't helping for the migraines and got put on Verapamil. Here's hoping it works. Found a really neat link that I would like to share that I found very helpful and interesting.

http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-disorder-health-check/default.htm

There is a TON of info on this website! I found something really interesting out there, there are a few different types of bipolar disorder but the one I feel like I fit into the most is the rapid cycling. Major ups and downs in short time periods.  It says normal bipolar...ha is that an oxymoron or what...is about 10 manic/depressive episodes over a lifetime. I think I can think of 10 major ones in the last year and a half. Still doing a lot of research but just wanted to share this link....and let yep I'm officially coming out of the closet...watch out folks, this Manic Mama is on the LOOSE!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!

Dragging My Feet So To Speak

I'm still hesitant about putting it all out there.....what when people think when they out about the REAL me. I mean I know they're going to judge me..will they still love me, accept me, still think of me as fun loving yet sometimes completely wild and crazy Jaime, or will I just become Just CRAZY Jaime to them? Either way, I'm still gathering knowledge and facts, things I want to include on here and think will be helpful to readers if and when I do make this blog public. Truth is, I'm writing it, so I probably will, but for now it's kinda like my secret place....sorta like a gay persons' closet...when I'm ready to "come out" I'll go public. Until then, I'll sit in my closet and let my thoughts flow freely onto the screen with a clickety clickety clack because the one thing I don't want is to write this and worry about what someone else will think or say. This is about ME and MY journey. That is all....for now :)